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 128-Up's Creative Side: Alive Within Cluttered Walls 
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: From A Broken Glass Orb
Since I spent longer than I should have deciding whether to write or not, I'll just post what someone else said about me and what would have been my base for the piece.

Maybe I'll think of something to write about this at a later date.

Spoiler: show
[18/07/2013 05:31:49] Arcy Creed: You are a perfectionist. You are nervous and anxious. You have low self esteem, and lower expectations for others' behaviors towards you. You are low energy and don't have a drive to kick you out of your funk and are so used to it you've accepted your depression as a part of your character. You are well meaning. You want the recognition and inclusion by tohers, feeling that connection with other people but are afraid you'll fall short and mess up. You are so concerned with doing things right you find it easier to do nothing at all. Then you worry about the fact that you did nothing and want to change but don't know where to start because you don't really have an idea of who you want to be more than different because you do like parts of yourself even if everything seems to become too much.

-----

She's right.

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Mon Jul 22, 2013 7:49 am
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Post As Lives Wander Past
So Katawa Seiyu decided to let me put some of my Katawa Shoujo-based poetry up on their Facebook page when I come up with it.
It feels nice for my work to have a use (...or to be read by people).

Here goes nothing. Have a piece about my favourite side character. (Misha's a main character to me, blast it.)


As Lives Wander Past

My name, unknown to many
I'm far from enigmatic
No-one just has reason to find out

Just a person sat behind a desk
My life ruled by organisation
My mind conquered by anxiety
A perpetual secretive struggle bubbles

Faint memories of one relationship
Even I forget who it was
Not that anyone wants to know
I live a life as a utility
Forever switching from books to plates

Has no-one realised why I panic so?
Can no-one see why things fall from my hands?

Let's see you try to get ahead in life
But remain trapped in an exhausting cycle
There's barely time to breathe any more
Let alone remember everything I'm told

The distant orange-haired one
My secrets, plentiful
My thoughts, everlasting
My name, Shirakawa

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I'm making a game! Opinions are appreciated.

128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Thu Jul 25, 2013 4:30 pm
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Post Getting the Message
...It's obvious to me! How do I make it obvious to you?

Getting the Message

Watered eyeballs behind regretful lids
Closed to hold back words and wishes
You think you know what's wrong with me
But how is that possible?

Every day is a struggle to live
At random, alarms go off in my head
They drive me to simply... stop
Do you know how that feels?

You think it's "temporary"
That it'll be gone soon
You say you've lived through it
How so? You're still alive inside.

You pressure me to think of the future
Careers, finance, family, et cetera
Is it really so wrong to put my health first?
Both inside and outside of me?

Maybe you can't cope with a broken child
I don't even want it "fixed", just understood
I want to tell you... but I simply cannot
Articulation is impossible for something so tough

Is there no easy way to do this?
Is there no possible way you'd notice?
I don't know how long I can be a mystery...
I can barely do anything myself... and you expect this? I can't.

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Fri Jul 26, 2013 6:38 pm
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Post Peaceful, Frantic Falling
I wholeheartedly apologise about the last poem. I was very frustrated when writing that.

To balance it out, here's a little one about something that relaxes me.


Peaceful, Frantic Falling

One o'clock on a dark weekend night
Alone and surrounded by silence
Window open, breeze brushing my cheeks

Droplets from the silver clouds
Percussion instruments of the skies
The ground is an urban glockenspiel
Ready to play a gentle melody

Nothing but the buried thoughts
In the crevice away from fear and panic

Cold against my skin
Raindrops impact ring in my ears
And let me calm at last

At the expense of bursting clouds
I smile

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Sun Jul 28, 2013 12:46 am
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Post Grappling with the Quill
I've been thinking about this for the past few days. Better than what's usually on my mind, huh?

Grappling with the Quill

A cauldron of emotion
Storm clouds and emeralds
Writhing around inside

I hold between my fingers
A feathered communicator
But what audience is there?

Words upon the paper
Act as a drain on my spirit
Everything black inside vanishes
At least for a little while
The clicks of the keyboard
A therapeutic sound

Ready to tell the world
Exactly what it's like to be me
But stopping short
Because who likes to read that?

People are there to enjoy and savour
Not to absorb the antimatter for me

...Should I need to give up writing forever
if I want to use it to rid me of the curses?
They come first, not me...

What a decision.

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Mon Aug 05, 2013 11:55 pm
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Listening to the Rain
In my opinion, a talent never must be stopped, no matter what is it. I tell you as an experience of myself, it's the worst mistake and thing that you can do to yourself. You're dead in life (is that undead? .-.)

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Tue Aug 06, 2013 2:20 pm
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Post The Lonely Saviour
Heh, I haven't done one of these in some time, have I?

Tune: Mega Man Unlimited ~ An Unbreakable Will (Wily Stage 2) - 0:05 to 1:20

The Lonely Saviour

Metal steps
Running through the light
One way in
And one way out away from here
Watch the world
Changing with the time
Turning black
Surrounded totally in fear

The adventure's on
I watched my friends go further
Inside the walls
The robots, the monsters
Where are they all? Where are they all?

I wait and see
What is in store
To stop me from going on
And yet I persist
And still I press on
I want to see that these rooms fall

One in blue who cannot
Stay and hold him back
Arm extended, shots aplenty
Ready to pierce the crack

I lost the one in red
And one coloured grey
Why should the planet end tonight?
That's not what I say...!

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Tue Aug 06, 2013 5:38 pm
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Post Inside the Bubble
...So some of you have tried to help me in the past. I appreciate it, but... well... how can I explain this without linking to a Depression Comic?

Damn things explain this far better than I can, but I'll try...


Inside the Bubble

My brain is a perpetual motion machine
Strapped tight to a generator
Energy pours out of every place
It forms a shield around my body

This is no protective orb
Rather than sheltering me from the world
It shelters the world from me

A bubble working backwards
Absorbing the darkness
Reflecting the light

Yet still I foolishly ask for help
Knowing I cannot do anything
Watching every piece of advice
Invisibly rebound into the ether
Beyond the unbreakable barrier

People say I'm ignorant
People say I don't want to change
People say I'm dooming myself to misery

I guess I am
Not that I can help it

And yet
I'm used to the isolation
I don't want the bubble to burst
Though I know it's necessary

What I hate about depression the most
Isn't how it makes me feel terrible and alone
It's how it's impossible to explain

All I want is for people to understand
But how is that possible if it cannot be articulated?

...Accursed problem.

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Fri Aug 09, 2013 2:01 am
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Post The Misted Pathway
You know... I remember someone in particular trying to help me out of my depression and suicidal thoughts at one point.
He said he had it too. Right now, I'm sadly convinced of one of three things... either he lied, his mask is impeccably crafted or I have lost all sense of judgement to the black cloud.


The Misted Pathway

Through a purple forest
Ground crumbling away
An incessant thought of falling

A hand reaches beside me
It clasps mine and scares me
Falling solidly to the cursed soil
Carnivorous plants feast on tears

The owner of the hand
Speaks of the way through
Unaware we are in other worlds
Where the bridge across changes
You are but a blind man to me

What good is a guide over the gap
If no-one sees what I do
Even when they claim they're in my universe?

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Thu Aug 15, 2013 7:19 pm
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Post Looking Ahead When Left Behind
Time is a cruel thing. It doesn't want you to stop and think. It wants you to be impulsive and pray your choices work.
Oh what I'd give for a rewind functionality...


Looking Ahead When Left Behind

Walking on an endless conveyor
Looking around at the people and places
Trying to get those for which I care
To be my partners on the endless stroll

Though I may exist to prefer solitude
Constantly locking myself away
Sometimes company can be cherished
By those on a downward spiral
Yet still running with the clock's walkway

In a fortnight and three, however...

A number ticks over
The treadmill speeds up
Suddenly, life has one goal:
To knock me down forever
To cause havoc with those I treasure

In a flash, everything changes.

Being forced to move along with the world
Because that's when the threshold breaks
Even if I prioritise differently
And desire different things from everyone

Looking into the shattered crystal
Watching familiarity fade away

Inevitability in hand
Thrown against the wall, shattered

What is so wrong with leaving living
to the mind in control,
rather than those towering over?

When an answer is formulated
It will be too late
For a weakened soul, yearning for understanding
Lays bruised, battered and beaten
At time's blackened fingernails
Reminiscing on the yoctoseconds
Where everything
Was simply
Perfect

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I'm making a game! Opinions are appreciated.

128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Tue Aug 20, 2013 7:11 pm
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Post Chase and Cover
I just spent an hour alone laying in bed with little but my thoughts for company.

"These people don't care for you. They want to use you. You have something they want... and they're after it."

You can think of this as more "classic" poetry if you want, you know, since it rhymes... I prefer to think of it as a chant. A slow, ominous chant.

Chase and Cover

Hearing footsteps creak and crack
Incessant shadows behind your back
Dive for shelter and stay out of sight
Every hunter flourishes at night

Friends and fiends comprise the crowds
Running in circles, heads in the clouds
Obviously waiting for times to act
Madness falls and you just... react

Trust is worthless, suspicion grows
Heaven shatters just to oppose
Each tip-toe movement that's going on
Means one step more until sanity's gone

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I'm making a game! Opinions are appreciated.

128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Sat Aug 24, 2013 6:36 pm
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Post Special Post: An Uprising of Another Kind...
Hi there, fellow Gardeners.

This isn't art as such, but it's my thread, and I feel this is a good place to put what I have to say. Put this on. It's the most emotional yet non-depressing piece of VGM I could think of. Before you start, however, know that I have no "secret intentions" or anything like that. My word may not mean much, but it is a promise. Anyway...

I'm sure all of you have your opinions about me, open or secret. Everyone has opinions of each other, right? Good, bad, indifferent... they exist.

Some of you probably remember me as a cruel taskmaster.
Some of you probably remember me as a meticulous designer.
Some of you probably remember me as a hot-blooded challenger.

Well, here is who I am. I am someone who is struggling to climb out of a spiral.

I have self-diagnosed (it would be professionally diagnosed if anyone would freaking do it...) depression. I have suicidal thoughts quite often, and they take plenty of work to drown out. Simultaneously, I feel alone. I've been hasty in relationships and suffered for it... however many times it is now. Six? Seven? Eight? Perhaps more.
I am a person who over-thinks everything and never winds up carrying anything out if it means the slightest possibility of failure. I am a person who always waits for others to make the move for fear of injury, physically and/or psychologically. I am a person who panics and becomes stressed at the drop of a hat, despite any work made towards altering that.

...and I am a person totally unable to express appreciation properly. This is what this post is for. I'm going to attempt to show for all the great things this community has done for me. I apologise in advance that I only mention some of you individually, but that is hopefully understandable.

Thank you to Giest, Neo and Raiden, and to all those who support UpRising for helping me to get a dream off the ground.

Thank you to anyone and everyone who reads my poetry and songs, positive and negative.

Thank you to everyone who tries those stupid contests I insist on coming up with (especially the endless trivias... extra thanks to Bowserslave for being the main participant in those, I suppose).

...Believe it or not, thank you to the people with whom I fell out - Catgame and Ultra - for telling things to me straight and not hiding anything to me. Trust me, if it was a viable option, I'd try to patch things up... but I don't know if that would work.

Thank you to everyone who makes me feel welcome and has helped me in the darkest of times, where it seemed to me that demise was inevitable...

Thank you, Gardeners, for giving a seemingly perpetually darkened life a little flame to see with and to keep warm with.
Here's to some more good times.

Yours sincerely,
~ Philip John Burcela Robinson / 128-Up!

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Thu Aug 29, 2013 11:54 pm
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Perpetually Shielded Soul
AH! I love your poetry to death! It's soooooo good! I just can't stop reading it!

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Thu Dec 26, 2013 3:10 am
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Perpetually Shielded Soul
Ragnarok wrote:
AH! I love your poetry to death! It's soooooo good! I just can't stop reading it!


If you insist.
I don't think it's all that great, but that apparently plagues artists.

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Thu Dec 26, 2013 4:44 pm
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Post Blankets and Biscuits
It's been a while, hasn't it?

I took a break because writing was becoming too stressful for me. To be honest, I can't even promise anything like being as prolific as I used to be.

Either way, it's Boxing Day today. Time to eat all the leftovers, right?


Blankets and Biscuits

Gazing outside, expecting a frosted shower
Disappointment lingers instead, so curtains are drawn
The laptop opens and waiting begins

Draped in a blackened sheet
Snacks aplenty at my side
I know that far away, one person is doing the same
Conversation is a struggle to me
But with her, I try with all my essence
(Not that that is much to start)

Eyes close periodically
Wishing of precipitation and storms
It calms me
It comforts me

Crumbs scatter across my clothes
Soon to be brushed or blown away
She comes online
And silence falls
She struggles with it, too

Speaking to a female reflection
A bizarre yet soothing event

If I could
My blanket would be passed through the screen
But I know she has the same one already
In fact, we share it

The thing that keeps us warm inside
The thing that gives us emotion
...is the one thing everyone wants us to throw away

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I'm making a game! Opinions are appreciated.

128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Thu Dec 26, 2013 5:13 pm
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Experiencing Forbidden Comfort
Aww! It's so adorable! It gives me all those warm fuzzies. And hey! Someone else who likes precipitation! lol :hysterical: I particularly prefer rain, but apparently everyone else hates it. :/

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Thu Dec 26, 2013 5:46 pm
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Experiencing Forbidden Comfort
Ragnarok wrote:
Aww! It's so adorable! It gives me all those warm fuzzies. And hey! Someone else who likes precipitation! lol :hysterical: I particularly prefer rain, but apparently everyone else hates it. :/

Those warm fuzzies take a shocking turn if you happen to read a little closer and figure out what the blanket's made of.

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Thu Dec 26, 2013 6:02 pm
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Post The Wilted Flower
Everyone's on Skype apparently.

The Wilted Flower

There was but one red flower in the middle of nowhere
People flocked to see it, and everyone watered it

That was years ago, however

It turns out we all changed for the bitter
The result? Waterers stopped arriving

They used to chatter and have fun together
But I suppose the building overhead
Remain as a reminder tha-
YOU WILL STOP THIS RIGHT NOW
NO-ONE CARES WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY

YOU'RE EIGHTEEN @#!$ YEARS OLD

ACT LIKE IT AND RETURN TO THE MONOCHROME LINE

NOW

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Sun Jan 05, 2014 2:34 am
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Curled Up Alone in a Field
...I'm certainly not one to understand art, but whoever or whatever is talking in red has things very wrong. I'm getting messages of "People who aren't young children are not allowed to hope" and "People who aren't young children must not resemble young children", and neither is true.

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Sun Jan 05, 2014 5:15 am
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Post Flower on the Stage
And now for a piece asked for by the Katawa Seiyu team.

Flower on the Stage

Violet streaks glisten through the dark
Two open eyes looking out at the world
"They came to listen. They came to watch."

Ambience gently descends on everyone
The lighting softens and the chatter ends
"They came to wonder. They came to think."

Microphones assemble on a platform
The eyes raise up as their owner stands
"They want to love. They want to desire."

Bathed in spotlight with hands clasped together
Notes smoothly flow between purple lipstick
"They want to critique. They want to condemn."

A hand sweeps across a discoloured cheek
A tear trickles down from a close eye
"They're waiting to shout. They're waiting to despise."

The performer shakes from her fringe to her feet
And yet she pushes through to the final word
"They're ready to leave. They're ready to cry."

Silence falls... the accompaniment quietens...
The audience stand and endlessly clap
"They are applauding. They are admiring."

Familiar faces scatter the crowd
People who she thought forgotten about her
"They came to remember. They came to reminisce."

Now all grown up and having gone separate ways
One soft voice from her adolescence speaks out

"I watched you conquer. I watched you persist.
I watched you mature. I watched you grow.
And now, my friend, I watched you sing."

"D-Did I impress? Did I inspire?"

"You moved us. You moved me.
A part of me never thought you'd make it...
But I'm glad you did."

The performer clutches the voice
Crying forever with a smile on her face
"Thanks for taking care of me."

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I'm making a game! Opinions are appreciated.

128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Tue Jan 07, 2014 1:58 am
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Curled Up Alone in a Field
You know, I don't care what you may think about it, but that was BRILLIANT! I got so many emotions out of that and it was all bitter-sweet. I loved it, and not just because it's related to Katawa Shoujo (or in this case, Katawa Seiyu). I've never in my years of writing ever even thought to use quotation marks in a poem. I just figured the words that were being said were already a sort of dialogue, but the way you added in the quotations gave an insight into how the subject of the poem was thinking and not just the thoughts of the poet. Once again, you've blown me away with your work! :D

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Tue Jan 07, 2014 2:18 am
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Post Zooming Further and Further Out
Yeah, yeah, depressing poem.

Zooming Further and Further Out

Telescopes hang over the earth
People stacking things to reach them
Accomplishments, trophies, certificates
Piled upon each other to further the tower
Just to see who is checking their progress

One small child, watching everyone from above
Catching up to see the celestial being

Before long, they all overtake
Leaving me with a crumbling pedestal
Forced to try to clamber up

The creature can be seen retreating
Perhaps to get everyone in its sights
But the little one can't tell that
He just sees that he can't catch up

So what does he do?
The only thing he can do

It's a shame it's a long way down...

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128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Thu Jan 23, 2014 11:26 pm
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Post Hovering in a "Dream"
Sleeping isn't as relaxing as I thought it would be...

Hovering in a "Dream"

Eyelids welded closed
Exhaustion freezing a body still
Awaiting a sequence
Pictures played one after another
A psychological storyboard
A hypothetical machine

Without any distraction around
I wander into the black hole nearby

Knives protruding from the walls
Closing in on my entity
Yet it comforts me
To think if I'll be missed

As much as I know the answer
My blackened brain has twisted it
And I believe the falsehoods
Generated at night

If I was to never awaken
At least it would be peaceful
I could dream forever
In the realm humans see as poisonous
In the realm of nightmares

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I'm making a game! Opinions are appreciated.

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TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Sat Feb 22, 2014 5:38 pm
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Drowning Sorrows in Lemonade
:stunned: That was amazing. For more than one reason. Particularly because I basically had the dream you just described last night...Kinda spooky :scared:

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Tue Mar 11, 2014 1:07 pm
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Post Multi-Prompt Challenge
I want to write something, but my inspiration's dry, so I'm going to semi-steal something from Anjie. :w

Post here with a single word. Once I get to seven words, I'll try to write a poem using all seven in there somewhere.

Let's see what you can think of.

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:1upmush: Yay for Mario! :1upmush:

I'm making a game! Opinions are appreciated.

128-Up wrote:
The year is 2023. People no longer communicate through posts, but rather use their signatures to converse.


TV Tropes: Depression Notes (Recommended Read)


Thu Mar 13, 2014 9:18 pm
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Drowning Sorrows in Lemonade
Courage

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Thu Mar 13, 2014 9:21 pm
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Drowning Sorrows in Lemonade
Gosh, I love it when people try out the same things as me~ :shyblush:

Also word: Curtain

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Thu Mar 13, 2014 9:24 pm
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Drowning Sorrows in Lemonade
Friendship :shagg:

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Thu Mar 13, 2014 9:25 pm
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Drowning Sorrows in Lemonade
Might as well have a little fun!

Word: Turtle

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Thu Mar 13, 2014 9:35 pm
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Post Re: 128-Up's Creative Side: Drowning Sorrows in Lemonade
Here's one everybody can enjoy: Chocolate!

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Thu Mar 13, 2014 10:01 pm
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